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Monday, March 23, 2015
so siming just praised the ticketing policy of ME2015. +++ when people succeed me, i always tend to get jealous when they do well. particularly when they have done things differently from me, and it works better or gets compliments. it always sets me thinking how come i did not think of that - that they are better at the role than I am. I get really jealous and upset. I really hate this feeling. I should be happy that they are doing well. They have found a method that works better. they have made changes for the good of the society and event. I should be proud that they are good, and that the event is succeeding. that people close to me are doing well. I should not be doubting their choices, second-guessing their reasons, asserting that all their methods are wrong. I should be telling myself that there is no better or worse. Okay, maybe there is. I always feel very bad when I see that I am the worse one. I want to try to accept that fact that I am not good in that. - still trying to find what I am good at though. What I am good for. What makes me unique. I need to accept and start thinking positively. @ Anfield @..:: 7:46 AM Sunday, July 13, 2014 and so, this year, i do my annual review on this medium instead. It's been a very, very long year. I went through many many experiences, did new things, knew new people, and made new friends. I've had really tough times, and some real good ones too. The year started really in March last year, when we took over ExCo. 9 people, stepping up, being voted into ExCo, to serve our friends and the people. 9 people whom didnt know each other very well. It started out with KitKat and SFP, and moved on to the crazy crazy summer, where we went through so much together as a group. And then over to London after UKBound, with all the crazy admin hassles. the fun of Fresher's Fair, HPP. Xmas Party, CNY dinner. the monotonous nature of preparation for OGM and AGM, in which we also introduced new things. WSG, Notts, the list really just goes on and on. Major event of course. Sitting here at home in Singapore on 13th Jul, 3 mth aft we stepped down, nothing has changed. I still really really love this group of people alot. The times we shared will always be etched in my memories, and without a doubt, will be brought out when the AGM/SFP/MEappreciation vids are playing, and when wuyuetian songs play. I made it a point to list down my own learning points from this exciting, humbling and absolutely remarkable journey, and to explain them, and i will do so at the end. For now, I'd like to move on to 2 more topics. First up, Mech Eng. At the end of the first year, 8 of us went to Croatia together. since then till the end of the workshop sessions, I knew that I was so very lucky to be in this group, to have such lovely coursemates. This year was so tough on my academics, I can say that without them, I would have absolutely died. They have supported us/me, through the form of tips, notes, and unconditional menial and mental aid, without asking any in return. The 3 scenes of myself rushing through my handtool at Cromwell, seeing YL YZ , HR and I rushing together at our common area in Nevern Place which i came back to that same night, and the one where the rest of us were playing dota after Edinburgh and the scooter trials. And now one more comes back: the course dinner at that ramen place (that i cant rmb right now). I am so thankful to have such friends. They are absolutely dear to me as well. When the results were out on monday, I was very happy that I did well. However, I knew I did not deserve this, for I did not work super hard. I really didnt deserve the grades. I feel so bad for Chernhwee and Yuzheng and Shixuan, for she worked very very very hard, yz had insomnia, and sx's scooter malfunctioned at the crucial time. The results for me now form a closure on the past year of madness, and brings forth the next year of absolute memories that I will create with this group once more. To Mech Engers, thanks for everything. Which brings me to my current last topic. my dear Jiahui. I dont know how tihngs happened, but we are what we are now. I am so thankful for you. What we shared over the past 8 months will not be forgotten, and I do really truly wish the best for you ever and always. I dont even know how to express this into words anymore. This summer, I guess it is really important for me to see what I really want, and how we develop. We havent had the luxury of doing so, in part due to me, since March, but I really want to see where we go and how we are, cos i really treasure you ever so much. Thank you for everything. So, here are the learning points: - TO NOT FLARE UP AT MY OWN TEAM. especially when in public sight. but whenever, I should not and cannot get angry and lose my temper with my comrades, for they are fighting in arms with me. - TO SERVE. to always think about the society, and its people, and for their good and their best. - TO NOT CHECK SO OFTEN to show trust in my subordinates and colleagues, especially those who are doing me favours. checking on them often shows a clear lack of trust. - MICROMANAGE - THINK FROM EVERY TEAM'S PERSPECTIVE see what their troubles are, their work processes, and try to help. - HAVE A BIG PICTURE VIEW. WHAT MY JOBSCOPE IS, THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN/SHOULD DO never lose sight of the big picture, for i am the only one that has access to it, and a clear picture. Know what I should be delivering at the end of the day, and not get mired in the small stuff. - CHECK THINGS THAT GO THROUGH ME always make sure things that go through me are of standard. dont just pass it down and ask others to see, when I myself have yet to vet/scrutinise it. - TRUST IN OTHER'S MESSAGES TO NEWBIES. DONT ABUSE AUTHORITY, ESPECIALLY TO THOSE WHO HAVE HELPED YOU SO MUCH BEFORE. at the end of all this, just want to say. It's been a very very very long year, and it's been a superb superb and superb year. A saying goes: you remember not what they say, but how they make you feel. I remember alot of those feels and those occassions (the night of ME after the end and my tearing like an open tap comes to mind now). Thank you, ExCo, Mech Eng, Nevern Place (Tgt w pu en and pat), and everyone. =') @ Anfield @..:: 10:52 PM Saturday, March 22, 2014 and so the exco journey has ended. it has been a long one, filled with many ups and downs, many many challenges, but looking back now, it has been really fulfilling. Really really has. I would never to hesitate to make the choice again, for the past year has been amazing, and will stay with me forever.
This year has been the 1st time ever, since ive been so emotionally involved - taking my heart out to serve and treat people. with all my heart. had that sense of emptiness when it all ended. now, its time to go back to the relaxed, and happy life that i was leading before =). no responsibilities, no restrictions, no commitments. except her.
btw, i love productions and i love to produce. however, its just who i am, that when it all ends, i sometimes get that alone feeling. well, that's a feeling that i have to get comfortable with, cos for what i seek to achieve, i will probably feel that way more. the feeling that no one really wants to hang out with me. oh wells.
now is the time for us to keep the bond going as friends. i see the 9 of us as people who've gone thru alot together, and will stand up for 1 another as and wen the other needs it. we're a real family.
and of course, my direction and course of action for the remaining year of the 32nd has been determined. i will support her as her boyf, as her pillar of spport. i will give the 32nd my bestest support. at the same time, i will just do wat i want to, and not have any restrictions nor responsibities bound me down.
i shall list down the lessons here:
learning point of exco: to not flare up at my own team. to serve.to not check so often. micromanage - think from every team's perpective. have a big picture view. wat is my jobscope, that no one else can/shud do?check things that go thru me.jaren.
now, the chapter has officially come to a close. and, its time to move on. thank you, for the past year =)))
@ Anfield @..:: 10:54 PM Tuesday, February 25, 2014 and so its passed for 2 days. in the hours leading up to the show, I can only say that I had no face to everyone. the audience coming in to watch, the performers, simply because the show wasnt ready, and the crowd was just too few, too sparse. i let everyone down with all the poor organisation. the lousy overview and bad handling of the bigger picture. it was headed to a real disaster. everyone's hard work would be wasted because of me. i let the crowd of 400 down. i let the 100 performers and workers who should have had a crowd of 570 down. i let the entire imperial singsoc down. total numbers of 400+. i let a total of 900 ppl down. there's really no way i can be convinced that what happened during the show had anything to do with me. nor can i ever be happy with what i did. the time and effort of 100+ people who believed in me was utterly thrown away by me and me alone, and along with it went the belief in and expectations of ICSS. i made so many mistakes. so so many mistakes. commitment counts for nothing when you have no quality. i just let everyone down. i can read in everyone's notes that they didnt believe in this, didnt like it one bit, hated my guts, and just basically think i was trash. i can sense the hate in their voice and words. that they rather not have done this. i think of all the bad decisions i made. publicity. music director. acting TA. umar. jaren's final speech. i let down so many people. i let down my dear director. there's no way back. there's no redemption. there's no 2nd chance. i can only say sorry to everyone. and a big thank you. especially right now, to my dear director. who fought alongside me. who constantly asked after me. who always always was strong in the face of adversity. im so desperately sorry for allowing jaren to take away all that u were supposed to have. and that we were supposed to share. to my dearest exco. you guys fought and worked ever so hard. ever so faithfully on. despite my mistakes, you guys just continually ran the show. all the last minute insertions, all the last min actions, all the last minute information. all the changes, all the panic. all handled so well. that even in doubt of my actions and decisions, you guys soldiered on, and brought your teams with yall. gabriel, for tanking for all my arrows w rgds to food, last min pizza and stuff. and to last min pubs, arcade, and props. and all the heavy carrying. buying food for jacq. the last minute translations. yiliang, for tanking emcee. for last min parachuting in to play the bass. for last min taking over fb page planning. taking outstanding care of your chorale team. siming and yuzheng, for all the nights spent with the dance team. choreography, cleaning up choreo. team welfare. countless videos. talking to hazel. being there for your team. being really strong. siming, for choreographing the getai movements. weijie. all your publicity efforts. the lovely programme booklet and your contribution to the ticket. ticketing admin. FOH. your last min lines reading sessions. constant care for the acting team. yisheng. music team planning was outstanding. took real care of them, and they all were really in the loop of their job. always there for them. jenyi. wat a job with set design. doing up all the props. information relaying. ticketing. admin nominal roll. doubling up stage manager. buying beer for your team. pulling ppl in last minute to help, like qam. dealing with all the last minute changes and handling everything with u and ur team without a single complaint. hongrui. what else. always there to help, in terms of making decisions. wat a job juggling president and music director. i underestimated the role of the music director, but u did both jobs superbly. always there for music trng. chorale trng. cast's singing training. guiding jia le in conducting, helping jiahui's confidence when she is singing solo during rehearsals. all the other stuff that i turned to you for. i could not figure out why i was in the state i was in on saturday night. but now i know. that i was absolutely distraught with the poor job i did, and really had no face to face anyone. And, a mountain of gratitude to you guys who fought on, along with others. because the show is really all your effort, none of mine. because i dragged it to the drains, and you guys and the rest of the perfomers salvaged it, and added so much more to the audience. it is thanks to the commitment of all of you and your friends that made the difference ultimately. i feel the huge sense of emptiness now. but more than anything. i feel the huge sense of guilt. I wish you guys had a much better Major Event Officer, so that your lives would have been much easier. As AGM comes, i will stand up to answer any questions about ME if required. I will take responsibility of my mistakes. I will make sure to tell the next MEO all the bad things i did, so he/she wont repeat it. It has been a real privilege working with you all. Sorry for everything. Thank you for everything. @ Anfield @..:: 8:55 AM Sunday, December 1, 2013 Just been to winter wonderland with andre anthony jiahan and samkong & her bestie zhiting. also missed tintin OG cookout today. These are things that I've always thought about, but just coming about to pen it down now. Everytime i come across someone new, all is fine, till I learn more about that person. I then start classifying them into different categories, based on how interesting and intriguing they are, how pretty/good they look, what do they have that i dont. for people new, i mostly either get really interested in talking to them to find out more cos they're so different from me and my circle of friends; i get quite intimidated if they come across more capable than me; i feel good if they feel inferior to me; and so on. woah man this feeling of judging sucks. however normal it is, i get really affected about people's backstory, and get all imaginary and fuzzy in my brain. that shouldnt be the case, cos i should really be treating them for who they are, not what they can do. i should not be drawing that line. at winterwonderland today, also experienced that familiar sense of jealousy, when my friends are able to do things that i havent been able to do. I seem to want to experience everything the world, and always compare what they have that i dont that i find good to have, and then try to find a way to bring that into my live. its really tiring. I need to find myself and what I stand for, and start believing in myself. I hereby set a target of having a better idea by 26. Maybe this feeling will never die away, but i need to feel more secure when i meet new people or learn new things abotu old friends, else i will always be this selfish person, and more importantly, i will always feel horrible, and not interact well with my friends. +++ here's saying it for the very first time: I really really wanted to be an OGH. like, really. leading, teaching and coaching has been my dream all along. this was my best chance, but i gave it up to be in the ExCo. to do something i felt would have a greater positive impact if done well. Looking at the photos, at some of the juniors, I feel that im missing out. 3rd time ive missed a OG hangout session. I want to get to know some of the juniors better as friends, not as a senior. I want to erase that senior/junior divide in my mind that has existed in my mind for the longest of times. but it is so so so hard for me to do so, cos im like that. only the ExCo knows what the ExCo has sacrificed. our tutorials and academics. our time with friends, family and close ones. our interests. our opportunities to do things with people that matter. our chances to do things that matter, that only come by once in that many while. It really affects me quite abit when I see the ExCo being put down, albeit in a joking manner. all jokes of this kind contain a tinge of meaning. outside people dont see what we've sacrificed. maybe they do, but they have yet, in my opinion, to empathise with us, to support us in this cause. their actions mostly make me feel that they dont believe in Singsoc. and that saps my energy. I believe in major event and Singsoc. Perhaps the work the 9 of us do sets the ground for the year 1s and all the others to have a nice, warm and firm foundation here in London. may not have meaning for seniors and above, as all we do is to provide opportunities for them to hangout with their batchmates and juniors, but it is perhaps the strong foundation we set that causes this to happen in the first place. I signed up to be MEO because i felt that it was key to bringing the batch together, to strengthen the bonds we had with one another, and form new friendships, however fleeting and short. and that is what I aim for. I just hope there'd be someone to give me some support along the way, especially vocal and loud support. I need some words of care and concern along this road that I walk with along with my fellow ExCo. from them, and from others. i once told myself that i'd stop giving, cos all of that causes this big hole in my heart that hasnt been filled in the longest time that i've known. mayb i need to unblock it and show the truth that lies within me for that to happen. perhaps. i dont know, someone teach me how please. signing out. @ Anfield @..:: 10:58 AM Monday, October 28, 2013 that we all gave up alot and our pesonal sacrifices to join the ExCo said alot about the 9 of us. However, through these days, the exco identity hasnt stayed strong. and im just sad that how this team, when work ends, will not be in existence anymore. that is just, very ,very ,very sad. @ Anfield @..:: 7:12 AM |