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Sunday, December 25, 2011
back from hk w fam and tw w MAD friends. combined rewards from both places amount up to 2 shoes, 1 hoodie, 2 bags, 1 cd, lots of dvds, 1 set of vcds =) want to pen down about the tw trip, cos it has made and is making quite a big impact on me. in the tw trip, i thought of alot of stuff. settled alot of my own internal emotional struggles.. new outlooks on life, on how i want to be, on how i want my environment to be. am really glad about how i felt about today (18th), i think im undergoing some sort of change now. i like this change for now. @ Anfield @..:: 2:16 AM Saturday, December 3, 2011 so yesterday was the day i got back my ic, and officially completed my NSF term. It was the 4th of February in 2010 where i handed in my IC. along with it went all my desire to venture, to pursue my interests. Along with my 11B came a determination to do well in my NSF term, to do the best i can and be the best that I can. through this time of wearing the green of the Singapore Army, I can say I've been through alot of mental challenges. Besides the BMT portion, it was really tough to drop out of OCC because of injury. This injury and dropping out intensified my sense of inferiority, surfacing my inner demons of my fear of failure. It was very tough to get through those few months, feeling like I've failed in everything I've done. Coupled with memories from 2009 dancenight resurfacing via the 2010 installment, it was really tough to get through. thankfully, with positive thinking and help from past notes, I learned to think more positively. I wanted to have a change in my lifestyle, I wanted to be happier. I started to try to give unconditionally. I started to do things for people, with the ultimate hope that I could gain happiness and satisfaction for myself that way. During CP, although i was feeling a sense of jealousy and inferiority, I genuinely felt happy for all my friends, seeing how they finally got their rewards after their hard work and mental fight for a long time. This mindset of mine gradually became more and more difficult: it wasnt as easy as I thought it was. I was starting to disappear into the shadows further. I felt lonely. I honestly felt horrible. It felt like there were no rewards for whatever i did. So i decided to take some time off. I needed to find a new mindset, or an adaptation and improvement of this one so that I could be happier. I did, I found a new way to think. It is one that is not natural for me, but I knew I had to work in that direction in order to be happy again. On top of that, I needed to love myself more, to do more things for myself. I started to open up to my colleagues, I wanted to be happier more of the time. I wanted company. Yesterday, i shared my happiness of finally ORD. the elation didnt come with leaving NS. It came with getting back the desire to venture, the freedom to roam, the removal of all restrictions of thought and action. I must remember the one most important feeling yesterday, the one i felt when I decided to share my happiness with my friends: the determination to be happier, to move away from the life that I have lived for the past 5 years. This to me is a new beginning. I must start thinking positively. I must do things that make me happy, think less about them stupid possibilities that always occupy my mind. I will fight my inner demons for my own happiness. I hope I can keep this up. It aint easy being lonely most of the time. @ Anfield @..:: 12:56 PM |